Thursday, April 3

On Thursday April 3, 2014, freedom had arrived. It was a date I had looked forward too ever since my parent’s divorce just over four years earlier. It represented an escape from court mandated custody arrangements that I absolutely despised. Not so much because of what they dictated, but because of what they represented, the splitting of my personhood to accommodate the legalistic view of “justice” that did not see justice for me, but for those in charge of my care. A justice that provided a overly simplistic solution to a much a more complex and destructive problem.

But as I sat in resentment throughout that four year period, more problems had emerged. More threats to this perceived freedom had arisen, although I failed to identify them as threats at the time. When my family underwent its physical and legal separation, I became, as so many others before me, a prime target for evil. And while prior to this separation there were many predisposing factors that may have led to this, its as if spiritual gates that had protected my soul were suddenly flung open. (I’ve since learned that so many others who are children of divorce experienced a flood of evil into their lives at the onset of their parents separation. And the Church has an explanation for this!)

Beyond the man I have identified as my abuser in this blog, there were other, much older individuals who tried to initiate similar illicit and inappropriate relations with me. For some reason my teenage self was able to prevent those other relationships from escalating in the same way. Perhaps we will explore why in a different blog.

But back to April 3, 2014, my 18th birthday. Over a year prior to that date, my abuser had started a countdown. He frequently message me the number of days left until my 18th birthday. Over time, April 3, 2014 became a date I wished would never come, at least a part of me. Somewhere between the ages of 16 and 17, that date became a decision point. It was a date I would be forced to confront the reality of what this man really wanted. A reality many parts of me had been completely ignoring out of fear, confusion, and anger. When I did confront this reality, would anyone believe me? Would I look like the one who had caused this? Would the support system I had come to inordinately cling to for emotional survival (my church), that this man had somehow gained access to, leave me?

Fast forward to April 5, 2014 and this reality was not confronted in the way it should have been. I allowed myself to remain frozen. I didn’t want to make this decision, so I chose not to. I cooperated with evil and I let someone else decide for me. My default response to discomfort. We all have one.

Today is Thursday, April 3, 2025. 11 years later I’m finally allowing myself to feel the immense discomfort, anger, abandonment, and confusion that has come every year since Thursday, April 3, 2014. An anger I’ve seen in the form of severe emotional outbursts targeted at those I’m closest to. This identification was motivated by the desire to be better for those I love. To not let these emotions rule the day on Thursday April 3, 2031.

On Friday April 3, 2015, Jesus allowed me to accompany Him in His pain on Good Friday. Just one year after, I found solace in Him and Him alone. There was nothing else.

He is I am, so I also am.